Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
