So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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