oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
