i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
