Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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