got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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