Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She bit a glass in half.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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