maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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