I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
