Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
