Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I will be naked everywhere
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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