EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The best revenge is premature balding
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
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