Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
