i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I think my fart just growled at me.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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