I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
