I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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