I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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