I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
