i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
