Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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