No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
