i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
