either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize