you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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