you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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