whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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