ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My balls are so social today.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
