I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
