i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Randomize
