A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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