Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
