I showed him my bush... on skype.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
