im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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