The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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