Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
