first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
