At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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