Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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