I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Randomize
