Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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