God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
