he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
