mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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