the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
