Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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