Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
