we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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