yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
