You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
