i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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