i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize