Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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