Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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