I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
