just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
