took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
