be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
