Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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