My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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